From Knowing to Becoming
Learning something is one thing. Embodying it is another. And when something is fully integrated, it becomes the ground you move from.
This is true for pleasure. For boundaries. For relationality. For self-trust. For sex. For communication.
It’s not enough to understand a concept once, or try something new in one inspired moment. We get better with practice—attentive, intentional practice over time. Think of your first day on the job, first down dog, or first time lifting weights. Now compare that to how you move today. You’ve grown, and it didn’t happen in a flash.
Our brains are beautifully neuroplastic. They reshape themselves through what we do, feel, and pay attention to, and they follow a fairly predictable learning arc that goes like this:
Skill → Practice → State → Trait
Let’s walk through what that means using one of my favorite, and for most of us, learned, pleasure skills: Savoring.
Skill – You learn that savoring helps increase pleasure by countering the brain’s negativity bias. You understand the concept: slow down, let the good stuff in. But life keeps moving fast, and without intention, you miss the simple moments.
Practice – You begin to practice. You pause to inhale the smell of soup on the stove. You feel the softness of your pet’s fur. You taste your tea more fully. But it still takes effort—you have to remember to do it. It’s a conscious choice, not yet automatic.
State – After sustained effort over time, let’s say a year or more, you start finding yourself in the experience of savoring without trying so hard. Joy and presence arise more naturally. You drop into it. It feels familiar, available.
Trait – Eventually, savoring becomes part of your disposition. It’s a part of your character. Not something you do, but part of how you are. It takes time, often 3 to 5 years, for a trait to fully take root. But once it’s there, it doesn’t easily fall away.
This arc applies to nearly everything that matters in our relational and erotic lives. Communication. Self-regulation. Touch. Trust. Boundaries. Pleasure. Even showing up vulnerably with someone you love.
Take some moments to consider:
What are you learning about yourself in love, in sex, in how you relate?
Where are you right now—in skill, practice, state, or trait—when it comes to the areas you care about?
What would it take to move one step further along the arc of integration?
Are you willing to commit—not perfectly, but consistently?
If you’re ready for deeper support for yourself or in your partnership, I’m here. Reach out.