On Attunement

Last night, on our evening walk around the neighborhood, my partner and I came across a brand new build that genuinely intrigued us. It was different because rather than the norm around here – which is chopping 1 lot into 2 and building it up 3-4 stories high – it was 1 beautiful home, with thoughtful materials and elevations. We could tell someone who deeply cared about form and function had built it.

Being a design lover, I was super drawn and decided to peer inside. Once I got close, I noticed that it looked like I could get inside simply by pushing into the front door. Christopher was right behind me, trying to warn me not to go in but I felt bold and pushed the door open. 

Once inside, I saw an extension of the exquisite qualities that initially drew me in, and I also heard a voice, “may I help you”? Uh-oh! I’d just barged into this man’s home and there he was sitting in the kitchen with his daughter! Luckily, our demeanor was one of appreciation and innocence and he (the owner and designer) was friendly and an architect like Christopher so we were able to smooth out most of the awkwardness. I walked away with my tail between my legs, quite embarrassed about my lack of regard for someone else’s space and for taking something that wasn’t mine to take.

In reflecting on that scene, I started to see how I sometimes push my way into a conversation or connection with others and how that’s arrogant and unfair. If you know me, you know that I’m respectful of space during a conversation and have a genuine interest in actual connection, which requires both listening and speaking.

But the approach is just as important and I royally missed that last night, and it’s not the first time I’ve done something like that. Attuning to what’s appropriate given the place, the space, the time, the mood, and the capacities and interest of each person is critical to great communication, from the initial approach to the final moments. And the kicker is that I teach this stuff and still mess it up!