Getting to Great Sex isn’t Always Sexy
Meet Myg, my new friend. She’s always been there, but until recently she was never my friend. Myg is not really nice, in fact she can be downright mean. Usually when she comes around, it’s to yell profanities at me or attack people I love. I used to tell her shut up, go away, you’re not welcome here, but she never listened. In fact, she kept coming around in new and unexpected ways. Sneaky little bugger.
Finally one day, before I had a name for her, I turned to Myg and asked her why she was here and what she wanted. And then I listened.
She told me that she’s scared. I take too many risks and she is trying to protect me.
She doesn’t want me to stretch too far out of the bounds of “normal”. People get shunned and die out there.
She doesn’t want me to love too deeply because she remembers the searing pain of getting hurt by those she loved and trusted.
She’s there because she grew out of the pain I’ve felt. She’s there because she grew out of the messages I was told by my well-intentioned but misunderstanding family. She grew because it’s our limbic brain’s job to orient around survival and fear and all she wants to really do is protect me. So I named her. Myg is short for Amygdala. She’s not going anywhere because as far as I can tell, I will always be human. I still don’t know why she needs to be so mean but my guess is that’s the only way she’s had a chance to be heard.
As long as I swatted her away like an annoying wasp who’s primary job was to sting and hurt me, she got louder and more pissed. Myg is slowly becoming a friend though, when I hear her profanities rising in my brain, I know it’s time to turn towards her. She really likes when I do that, although it still surprises her. She doesn’t know what to do with the attention but she can’t help but show her deeper self to me. She is the voice of I can’t and I shouldn’t but she doesn’t exist to hurt me. She came into existence to help me, to protect and guide me. And no doubt she has saved me from doing some stupid shit. Thank you Myg, I know you are here to stay and I can take over the wheel now. I’ve got a nice seat for you in the back.
What does this have to do with sex?
Well, everything. Almost nothing is more vulnerable nor more powerful than our thoughts and feelings about sexuality. And sharing about sex whether through conversation or through the act with ourselves or with another can be terrifying at a core survival level.
My friend Myg gets real loud when I make moves towards speaking up as a sex educator and guide for pleasure, intimacy and reclaiming wholeness. She has things to say about how I’m all wrong because my sex drive is too high and I think about and talk about it too much. Also, it takes me too long to come and I should be able to reach orgasm in 2 minutes.
I’ve made it a practice to thank her for her concern and remind her that I’m growing and that I’ll take it from here. Sharing her concerns with my partner (from my tenderly vulnerable part, vs Myg) has made a huge difference in growing closer and enjoying more fulfilling sex. Making friends with the fear quiets her just a little bit and more pleasure and wholeness as possible.
